Following today's twenty minute Speech from Osama Bin Laden's deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he directly threatened Tony Blair, Queen Elizabeth II and the British people over the knighthood of Salman Rushdie, an unlikely hero has come to the fore to stand up and protect the people of our nation in the face of the terrorist threat.
Rushdie, speaking from his penthouse in New York, surrounded by his six foot tall, blonde size zero 'minders' known only as 'Mandy' and 'Sandy' made a surprise announcement to assembled journalists today.
'I am not Sir Laurence Olivier. I am not Sir Alec Ferguson. I have have not been honoured for my contribution to sporting excellence or indeed the arts. I am Sir Francis Drake. I am Sir Winston Churchill. I am Sir Gallahad. I have been called upon by the Great nation of Britain to protect her in her hour of need and I will do it with my life.'
Commentators were initially stunned by Rushdie's apparent U-turn on his attitudes to Britain and many believe that Salman's declaration is simply an attempt to 'stick two fingers up at Mohammed.'
This theory has however been poo-pooed by a reliable source who claims to have seen Rushdie Marching down the Kings road wielding a sword and wearing a helmet 'like that Russel Crow off of Gladiator.'