The Conservatives will put tea and biscuits at the heart of their campaign to win the next general election.
Following a policy review which concluded that repairing Britain's 'fractured society' should be a top priority, Tory leader David Cameron said the 'big idea' was to 'encourage people to sit down and settle their differences over a nice cup of tea and a few biscuits. Without any swearing and shit.'
The tea and biscuit-based strategy marks something of a departure from traditional Conservative issues such as tax and fighting crime. But according to Tory statistics, family breakdown and social malaise costs the taxpayer up to £490bn per year. Sometimes more.
David Cameron rejected claims by those on the right of his party that he had gone soft on law and order. "That's nonsense. The biscuits we plan to use will be digestives and rich tea, there's nothing soft about them. Unless you dunk them for a bit."