The government today released statistics which reveal that the smoking ban is an overwhelming success, increasing business by over 500% in some parts of the country. Smokers all around the land are giving up in their thousands, and 320,000 lives have been saved already.
"It's really helped me," said a former 60-a-day smoker, "I've given up the weed and gone onto heroin. Much better, and I don't stink any more after a night out."
A local dealer told us that sales of ecstasy and hash are well up, with heroin and cocaine not far behind. "Mad for it, they are. Can't have a fag indoors, so they get well high before they go out now. I'm well 'appy." he said.
The Government claimed that smokers had "embraced" the smoking ban, and compliance was currently at 99%. A spokesman told this reporter that there were one or two pubs around who were openly defying the ban, and these would be closed permanently after they had financially ruined the landlords. A spokesman for ASH ranted, "We don't mind the odd martyr, all changes need them. We will demolish the pubs after we've fined him more than he can raise. All smokers after that point vill be vearing a yellow star...." The interview did go on for some time, but this reporter does not speak German.
Landlords asked to comment on the statistics stated that the Government was simply talking out of its arse. Chair of the Licenced Victualler's Association, Vladimir Costanovic said, "What the Government is saying is utter rubbish. Some 280 pubs have gone to the wall already thanks to the smoking ban, with more to follow. Pubs are deserted, and the rush of non-smokers flocking to the happy-clappy-smoke-free-venues just isn't happening."
Mr. Costanovic pointed out that The Swan in Bolton was the only busy pub for miles around. "The landlord is allowing smoking to happen on the premises. Whilst we cannot possibly support this, it's obvious that it's what the public want, and the Government should acknowledge this."
The Government spokesman said that as a result of the defiance at The Swan in Bolton, 20,000 people had died.