Written by Noshing Mink
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Tuesday, 10 July 2007

image for Charles Kennedy "spoken to" for starting fire in train
Evil Charles Kennedy starting another fire

A Liberal Democrat spokesman has refused to admit or deny reports that ex-leader and town drunk, Charles Kennedy, was caught smoking in a train. Smoking in a public place, including a train, was, of course, made illegal from 1 July 2007. Kennedy was one of the MPs who voted in favour of the ban.

The ginger hypocrite was caught lighting up in a packed carriage, blowing tobacco smoke at his fellow passengers, oblivious of the health risks. One terrified lady told us "He was like a madman, puffing away, swigging a bottle of Scotch and threatening anyone who came near him. He threatened to 'punch my lights out' when I calmly pointed out that smoking was banned."

Kennedy's antisocial behaviour didn't end there. As if poisoning other passengers wasn't enough, he then pulled out a box of matches, lit one and set fire to a bunch of papers he was carrying, which is believed to have been the Hutton Report into the death of scientist David Kelly. Kennedy had often whinged about Kelly's death in the House of Commons. At this point, a guard approached him and asked him to put out the fire, but Kennedy apparently replied "It's a free country, I can set fire to whatever I want."

Police waiting for Kennedy at Westminster station are reported to have begged him not to set fire to things in public.

Meanwhile, an 80-year old man who fought for his country in World War II and suffers from dementia, was dragged out of a train and repeatedly punched by police in another part of London for accidentally smoking a pipe. The decorated war hero, who modestly asked us not to name him, said, after being released from hospital, "They wouldn't have done that to Charles Kennedy."

Politicians and their wives are often allowed to get away with breaking the law. Wife of former Prime Minister, Cherie Blair, was famously caught travelling on a train without a ticket. Unlike Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes, who was shot by the police, she was given a police escort to her destination.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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