Written by FLUFFY DETRITUS
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Topics: London, Transport

Monday, 9 July 2007

image for Transport for London takes to the air, and gets up your nose!

A new way to fight congestion has been discovered in Transport for London - The Way Forward. There are a number of new and far reaching ideas for congestion solution in London. These include congestion charging for aircraft going over London's airspace, bus passengers being charged £100 to ride on a bus in the congestion zone, people with colds or flu being refused entry.

When questioned a spokesperson said: "These are just in the preliminary stages and are being looked at as possible ways for the future."

Transport for London argues that aircraft bring increased congestion to London. There are currently over 300 flights landing at London's Heathrow airport every day which equates to upwards of 90,000 men, women and children, all descending on the capital. Transport for London says this puts an immense strain on the transport system with the increased use of taxis, buses and cars in the city.

"If we can stop just a few of these people from coming here we will be on our way to solving congestion," said the spokesperson. "We are looking into reactivating our air raid warden scheme as a way of identifying intruding aircraft, it worked once and should work again."

Transport for London also has some novel ideas for reducing road congestion: "Look how much space a bus takes up on the road, why you could get three or four cars in the same space. If we can drive people off the buses we can then cancel all these bus routes opening up space on the roads and saving millions of pounds in subsidies by eliminating the bus services."

The ultimate goal of the organisation is to completely rid London of all traffic. They argue the only feasible answer to this is to give people no reason to enter the capital at all. "Once every business has moved or gone bankrupt the need for the public to enter the congestion area for any reason at all will be gone, only then when we are alone in an industrial wasteland will our job be over. Then we too can leave, our mission a success the roads free of all traffic, the last of us turning out the lights as we leave, a wasteland is a traffic free land."

If that fails, they are suggesting the capital is moved to another city, perhaps Manchester or Birmingham. They cited the success of the German government's move of capital from Bonn to Berlin in the 1990s.

Transport for London is working hard on the task of ridding the city of all congestion. It has even begun handing out complementary menthol and eucalyptus lozenges in all tube stations.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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