Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: School, English

Tuesday, 17 February 2004

image for Primary School Pupils ‘need stretching'.

A new report from the Department for Failing Pupils has come up with a startling recommendation to improve educational standards in English primary schools.

"We commissioned a research project from the Education Faculty of Thames Valley University" says Government Education spokesperson McBride Slipper. "This proved conclusively that, all other things being equal, from the age of 7 taller pupils did better in SATS tests than their shorter equivalents. So this set us off thinking."

The outcome of all this pondering is the current report's recommendation that every English Primary School should have a Rack. Says Slipper "we came to the conclusion that if height was a factor in educational attainment, we should do all we could to increase it for all children to maximise educational opportunity. The simple way is to stretch the little buggers to give them all the same chance."

"We looked at various options - vitamin injections, surgery, genetic engineering - but in the end the most economic solution was the Rack. By installing at least one in every primary school we can ensure that every pupil has at least one hour's access to stretching per week. The benefits will be immense - taller children, brighter children, and tremendous job satisfaction for all those sadistic middle-aged perverts who have found their way into the education system."

Predictably the teaching unions have reacted with scepticism to the claims. Said Doug Torquemada, General Secretary of the National Union of Torturers; "This is another case of the government seizing on an isolated research project to create general policy. My members will not be co-operating with this initiative unless they get allowances for whips, handcuffs and full leather uniforms. And free batteries as required."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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