Glasgow - Police described the fire at Glasgow Airport today as "total madness".
"If all he wanted was a smoke, why didn't he just step outside into the designated area?" an armed policeman was heard to ask.
The smoker, thought to be an agent of the pro-smoking alliance "TITS" (Tobacco Is The Shit) was having a quick drag in his 4x4 outside the terminal when he decided to take the vehicle inside as a protest against the ban on smoking in public buildings. As he bumped up the kerb, he dropped the cigarette into his crotch, which immediately caught fire.
Local activists from the anti-smoking group "SCAT" (Scots Against Tobacco) were quickly on hand to put the man and his cigarette out, but were unable to save the vehicle.
A spokesman for SCAT said, "We were quickly on the scene and dealt with the immediate danger, which was obviously the still smouldering cigarette. A high-pressure hose was available, as it always is, to deal with the highly toxic fumes which come from the tobacco. After we ensured that the cigarette was out, we dealt with the man who was by then fairly well alight. We were unable to save the car, because someone else, we think it was a child, who was traumatised by the scene, had actually lit up a cigarette inside the terminal. Obviously, we had to deal with that emergency first."
The smoker inside the building was not thought to be a member of any pro-smoking alliance, but is expected to be imprisoned at the Prime Minister's pleasure for the foreseeable future, whilst his mind is adjusted.
Update 06/07/2007: The agent of TITS was named today as Mohammed Singe Majeep, 47.