(Gay Press) Sacha Cucksoccer, Royal correspondent: In a media leak today it was revealed that the British Royal Family are planning to revive their flagging popularity by bringing Princess Diana back from the dead.
In a sensational leaked email forwarded to the GP, one paragraph clearly states that 'since her death, our popularity amongst subjects has waned to a point where we are having to log into chat rooms to start spreading rumours concerning ourselves'.
The instrument continues with something about shopping and fanfares but ends on a chilling note, hinting that the Royal Family may be about to summon some dark power to breathe life into the corpse of their long-dead heroine.
'Without her we are lawst, like England without Beckham, like the Beatles without McCartney, Lennon, Harrison and Starr, like Chigley without Lord Belborough. And besides, one hears that 'bringing them back' is awl the rage now. Dallas did it with Bobby Ewing, Eastenders did it with Dirty Den and is planning to do it again with Cindy Beale. Why can't we do it... bring her back? The time has come where we should summon the Dark Lord to breathe life back into the corpse of our long-dead heroine.'
Tantalisingly, the email was signed 'P', as if the writer wished to remain anonymous or couldn't remember their own name.
As ambiguous as the paragraph is, one respected Royal genealogist* who has asked to remain anonymous believes the family may be about to summon Naol**, their Lizard God, who first gave them the power to appear to others as regular, albeit loaded, human beings.
'It's no laughing matter' he insists. 'If Naol makes an appearance and succeeds in bringing Diana back from the grave, it'll mark a new and very disturbing era for all mankind. It won't just be more of the senior Royals you'll be seeing on the telly.
'Every news bulletin, supermarket gossip magazine, Sunday paper supplement, crossword book and TV guide will be swamped with pictures of Diana again, just as they were before she died.
'Every time you'll turn on the six o'clock news or breakfast TV she'll be there, hugging an aids victim or sewing the feet back onto a landmine amputee in Zimbabwe. It'll be a pure living hell!'
* David Icke is 73.
** Naol is 3,214