Written by Ho Lee Crap
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Wednesday, 4 July 2007

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The proposed system is tailored to reflect the threat level to each individual

Security experts are meeting today to discuss the implementation of a new Terror Alert system. The current system, which has five levels ranging from 'Tickety-Boo' through to 'Critical' is claimed to be insufficient to meet the needs of today's multi-levelled panic-ridden terror-consumer society.

Julian Kaboom from the Centre for Panic Studies explained: 'In olden days, five levels of security threat were ample. At one end of the scale you'd be eating toast and chatting over the fence to a neighbour and at the other end, hiding under the stairs to escape a 300 megaton blast. But today, it seems pointless for a man living in Shropshire to be under a 'Critical' threat level simply because somebody found a bomb 200 miles away which the police have safely defused. It's utter madness.'

The centre for panic studies is instead proposing is a multi-regioned, multi-faceted scheme which is specifically tailored to each member of the public. The new system will relate to every town, every street, each house and each person living in that house. This results in over sixty million levels of warning, each tailored to individual needs.

'Say for instance, there's an explosion in Plaistow in which four people are killed.' explained Kaboom, 'That bomb will not affect the remaining sixty-plus million people. So whilst the terror level would be 'critical' for the four, it would be 'Tickety Boo' for everybody else.'

Mr Kaboom was then quizzed as to how such a complex system would be implemented.

'At present, the only way I can see it working would be to issue the threat level in retrospect, and on a personal enquiry level. This would require each member of the public telephoning a special hotline to ask whether or not they had been killed by the blast, and if not, precisely what personal terror level they would fall under for the time being. I can imagine such a system would prove to be 100% accurate compared with the vagueries of the existing system.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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