Shadow Chancellor Oliver Letwin has died of shock after being told his keynote speech on Conservative spending policies was the focus of the first report on BBC daytime news.
On hearing the news from his PA, Letwin collapsed and was rushed to a BUPA hospital but pronounced dead on arrival.
"We can't believe he's dead, almost as much as he couldn't believe he'd made it into the headlines," said Tory spokesman Toby Pugley-Jones. "He was a great politician and could even have been famous one day."
In his speech Letwin had said he could make savings of £35bn over six years on schools, hospitals and pensions, money which would be redistributed to crooked politicians.
"A Conservative government, if elected at the next election, will not take risks with the public finances," he said. "That's because the finances will no longer belong to the public - they will belong to us. Remember the good old Tory sleaze of the early and mid-nineties? We want to bring that back."
Letwin's death seemed to surprise no one.
"Who the fuck is he?" commented one man in Guildford High Street who admitted to voting Conservative all his life.
One friend of Letwin's confirmed that the shadow chancellor had even arranged to have his surname changed by deed poll in time for the next General Election.
"He wanted to be known as Oliver Letuswinplease," he revealed.