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Monday, 2 July 2007

image for Glasgow Airport Unfazed by Attack
A cigar yesterday

Security has been tightened around Scotland's premier exit point for Scots wishing to emigrate and find a job after a Jeep full of smokers was allegedly driven into the entrance of Glasgow Airport in order to protest at the ban on smoking in England which came into force sometime after the pubs closed last night.

Witnesses described in horror how they saw a 4x4 vehicle on a road close to the airport and how one of the occupants appeared to open a suspicious package and offer some of the contents to his fellow passengers. One witness who wished to remain anonymous went on to describe what happened next: "This one guy opened a small package covered in what looked like a transparent cellophane like covering. The next thing I knew they'd put these thin white things in their mouths. Somebody produced a flame and suddenly there was smoke everywhere. I've never seen anything like it!"

Another witness described how the suspect vehicle drove past them while the passengers in the back seat had their trousers down exposing their buttocks through the back window while shouting "Death to the smoking ban" in a foreign accent, believed to be English, according to some witnesses.

What happened next is unclear but forensic evidence appears to indicate that a stray spark from a cigarette end drifted towards one of the exposed buttocks. It then ignited with an enormous force resulting in the conflagration witnessed by millions on TV due to the emission of flammable gases trapped in a confined space between the buttock and the windscreen.

Police sources have since confirmed that after questioning, the suspects have admitted that someone in the back seat farted but have met a wall of silence regarding the culprit since the initial arrests. However, a spokesman for the recently formed 'Fag Jihad' declared that attacks of this sort would become more commonplace in the future as people farting in the backseat on stag nights and not permitted to smoke may distract drivers, making them more prone to trying to find a parking place inside airport terminal buildings while trying to extinguish farts in the back seat.

Sources close to the Prime Minister confirmed that rumours of imminent attacks against the recent smoking ban had been discussed during the latest meeting of COBRA, a government agency set up to discuss the possibility of attacks on the British Isles by large venomous snakes from Asia

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