The government has been rocked by a sensational spy scandal, with former MI5, MI6 and Rotherham United goalkeeper Marilyn 29 being named as the 'mole' at the centre.
Ms 29 - formerly known as 'Lola 28.63' - was arrested aboard her luxury yacht in a Rotherham car park this morning. Police boarded the yacht at 3am, armed with trained dogs, talking parrots and performing seals from Rington Tremendo's Travelling Circus, and a news blackout - to be serialised in the News Of The World - has been imposed.
Ministers were alerted to a possible security leak at the Home Office when a quantity of Russian phrase books and the instruction manual 'How To Dance Like A Cossack - Made Simple' were found, along with some photos of Lenin and a balalaika. The government has long suspected nefarious activity, ever since smoke-signals were seen coming from the roof of the Russian Embassy. Officials at the building blamed them on a burning pair of trousers at the time - unlikely, since all Russian pants are non-inflammable.
Ms 29 - also known as 'Babooshka 302' - has been employed until recently as an accordion player with Archie Funn And His Hootenanny Whistlers. She is believed to have had access to top-level secret files, including those from the 1980s, when twenty-nine Soviet presidents all died within two days of each other. The file on Soviet premier Yuri Andropov, who died after mysteriously swallowing a piano, remains missing.
Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Ms 29 - also known as Zara 67,000 - should contact their local covert spy ring immediately.