Prince Charles has lost his royal appointment as supplier of fruit and veg to top supermarket Tesbury's.
The family grocers have sacked the next in line to the British throne for his below par produce.
The trouble began when a Scunthorpe pensioner had a fit after handling a phallic shaped carrot in her local supermarket. Her complaints led to an inspection which uncovered penis shaped peppers, hairy, testicle kiwi fruit and pairs of melons that could have adorned a younger Barbara Windsor.
An official spokesperson for the Prince's farm blamed the irregular shapes on organic farming techniques, however a source close to the Prince attributed it to his elfish sense of humour.
He told me that Charles got the idea from Camilla, who in frisky moments would ask him to "unzip his banana".