The controversial knighting of author Salman Rushdie in the Queen's Birthday Honours List has been revealed as a plot by MI5 to end the drain on public funds of protecting him.
A series of emails have come into the hands of TheSpoof.com which expose the award as a sneaky plan to inflame Muslim feelings.
The Queen is understood to have refused to fane an accidental slip with her sword to sever his carotid artery and the group of police officers charged with his protection have now been replaced with elderly and short-sighted volunteers, some of whom are confined to wheelchairs.
The committee that recommended Rushdie for a knighthood deny complicity with MI5. A spokesman said, "We can't understand the fuss about an author whose books are less entertaining than Yellow Pages".