London - (Ass mess): To the rapturous joy of the 2,250,000+ gullible morons who make up the readership of the Mail on Sunday, former royal slapper Kate Middleton has been reported today as "disappearing up the Prince's private quarters".
Middleton, 25, is famous for having dumped the heir apparent to the Pretender to the Puppet Throne.
And William has done a sterling job at impersonating the firstborn of Charles and Diana when common knowledge is adamant he is George W Bush's spawn by Heather Mills.
"They shared a 'passionate grope' at a 'decadent Army party', the Fascist on Sunday told its readers today, 'before Kate's hand disappeared up the Prince's private quarters'.
This weekend's torrid fumblings 'and other secret dates' have been billed as a rejuvenation of a stale habit that is now so long past its sell by that even flies avoid its mould-infested remains.
But the paper warns its excited readers that Middleton won't get involved with the balding feckless changeling 'until the ring's on her finger and the cheque's in the bank account at Riggs, Nassau branch'.
This weekend's stories follow press reports that Kate had been seen at an immensely daring birthday party for William themed around the Baz Lurhmann Moulin Rouge movie where the invites warned party goers it would be a 'Freakin' Naughty' night.
William had personally chosen such scintillating depths of decadence as a bouncy castle, a paddling pool full of gunge and blow-up dolls.
Partygoers were dressed up in doctors' and nurses' uniforms as well as daringingly different sexy libngerie outfits supplied by Joe Corre, the Agent Provocateur retailer who hast week turned down an MBE in the Puppet Monarch's Resignation Honors.
The Mail on Sunday even alerted sensitive readers that 'there were a few naughty nuns and plenty of flesh on show' but that Kate didn't let down Albion with her sweet but modest little outfit.
Sales of this weekend's edition are said to have gone through the roof following this exclusive royal feature.