Written by Quentin Dynamite
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Saturday, 23 June 2007

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Columbo - Sartorial Nuances

In a shock move towards 'justice and fairness', the Conservatives have thrown out David Cameron and replaced him with the television detective Columbo. Mr Columbo takes over immediately, with Cameron taking over at the Department Of The North Pole.

Detective Sergeant Columbo, until now a shadowy figure on the fringes of British politics, will make his first appearance against the outgoing Tony Blair on Monday.

"See.....", said the taciturn yet decisive sleuth, "see I kinda figured that the guy wit the fingers was cuttin' loose on the jarrrb. You see, sir, I can't work out why you was in the kitchen, when all of the diamonds was still under the bed". He then added with typical incisiveness, "Maybe it's just me and my curious mind, but wasn't you once Benjamin Disraeli? No, no - my mistake".

This is not the first time the Tories have recruited a fictional detective in their quest for power. In 1882, following the resignation of Lord Graspworthy-Stealth, the post of Prime Minister went to Sherlock Holmes. Mr Holmes immediately arrested the 1922 Committee on charges of 'insider knowledge before the event', and renamed it the 1768 Committee. His appointment of arch-criminal Moriarty to the position of Attorney General was, unfortunately, to contribute to his eventual downfall.

Columbo is thought to be considering a drastic overhaul of the entire front bench team, with Frank Cannon taking over at Food And Fisheries, and Belgian detective Hercule Poirot's name has been whispered in connection with the Department For Waxy Hairs. The shadow chancellor, George 'Slippery Jim' Osborne is taking over at Eels And Vaseline, and old bruiser Norman Tebbitt returns at Bile.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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