Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Government, Britain

Tuesday, 10 February 2004

image for New plans for asylum seekers
Walls like this will be built around 30 English towns

With over 1,000,000,000 asylum seekers a week now entering Britain, many from abroad, the government has been thrown into a panic and lost its grip. TheSpoof has seen copies of secret plans to deal with the emergency which will shock and dismay many.

By Easter this year the inhabitants of at least thirty large towns throughout England will be evacuated and dumped in uninhabited areas in the North and East of Scotland. Houses over 20 years old will be demolished, and replaced with brand new luxury developments designed by leading architect Sir Norbert Fosdyke. All churches will be converted to mosques. Disused churches will be converted to churches. Town halls will become subsidised canteens, and any medical facilities will be upgraded to BUPA standards.

Those too old to be moved will be tranquillised and stored in purpose built refrigeration units near Bristol.

These towns will then be packed with illegal immigrants.

"This is not a knee jerk reaction," said Chairman of the Committee for Internal Affairs David Blunkett. "We have not panicked and lost our grip. Au contraire, sunshine, this is a carefully thought-out plan to provide maximum welfare to the most people. Emptying towns like Northampton and Taunton gives their current inhabitants a healthy country lifestyle. Filling them with vast numbers of illegal immigrants creates ghettoes which are much easier for us to control. It's a bit of a no-brainer really and I can't think why we didn't do it ages ago."

Immigrant welfare groups have expressed concern that things may yet go wrong. "If any of our clients end up in Milton Keynes we'll be very very cross and complain to somebody" said a spokesperson for SPONGE, the Society for the Protection of Non-legal Grasping Emigrants. And at the HQ of the Society for Helping Immigrants Turn English there was also worry. "We need to be sure that immigrants will be properly treated" said Patricia Spindleshanks, Director. "If they don't get real leather furniture there'll be hell to pay."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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