In his final speech as Home Secretary, John Reid has announced radical new plans to reduce the UK's soaring crime rate, overhaul sentencing and address the problem of over crowded prisons.
To the chagrin of local residents, hundreds of miscreants are currently being held at bed and breakfast hotels in London's Earls Court and inmates are clambering to be returned to the better facilities afforded by HM five star prison service.
John Reid told TheSpoof.com that the criminal justice system will undergo three major changes.
"First we will decriminalise petty offences such as burglary, drug smuggling, rape and armed robbery", he said, "We will then grant early release to existing prisoners who promise to behave themselves. Finally, newly convicted felons handed sentences of less than three years will be offered the alternative of sitting in newly created Crown Court naughty corners."
Outgoing Prime Minister Tony Blair has welcomed Reid's announcement. He told us, "When I said we were going to be tough on crime, I meant tough on the victims, not the perpetrators".