The reptilian impersonator Cob has had the worst day possible to ANYONE after buying a car described by neighbours as "the stupidest pile of junk they'd ever seen".
The car, a Ford Hongalongadingdong Quo, was bought by the Archgown from a man calling himself "The Jiver Of Nrrrrch". According to some reports, the vehicle is made of the cheapest plastic and in addition has triangular wheels.
Speaking from an owl hootery in Cornwall, the Aspen Slinker - his professional name - said that he "didn't knaa it was made of owld plakka, like". Asked exactly WHY he'd bought it, Gown Of Quiffs - his nom de plume - replied, "It was behind the chopped pork in Safeways - LIKE - and I had enough for two tins of 'Wretcher Ham' and a car, so I bought it".
The 'Carry-On' series of events started this morning, when the Gown opened the driver's door and some snakes flew out, biting him severely. After paying the snakes a suitable bribe, Cob was appalled to notice that the dashboard was fitted with a pair of Strangling Gloves - the very sort used by Jack The Ripper. The gloves engaged him in a TUSSLE OF DEATH, only ended by the arrival of Gown's neighbour Mr David Orchestra-Coat. Said Orchestra-Coat, "Aye, like". However, the situation did not remain serene for long. On driving out of his garage, Mahoutek De Viper - his ALTER EGO - was mauled within an inch of his life by Bolus Lions. Said the Gown, "The Bolus Lions are aalways deein' that, like".
Cob is currently in the Mahoutek Hospital, Britain, but his bed is on wheels, and is hurtling out of a third-floor window.