Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 18 June 2007

image for Police Uncertainty Surrounds Cheshire 'Murder'
Cheshire Police's Miss Informant

Cheshire Police have released more 'sketchy' details about an 'old man' who was stabbed to death near his home in Knutsford at the weekend. The man, initially said to be 81, was found on a grassy knoll only yards from his house on Saturday, but by later the same evening, he was described by the BBC News as being "83".

Things changed dramatically again early on Sunday morning when BBC CEEFAX reported that the victim was now 93, and "getting older", with police saying they expected him to "pass the 100 mark" by Sunday evening.

A 'friend' who knew the man for more than 40 years, claims that he thought the victim was much older, possibly as much as "200 years old", but that he didn't even know his name, and had always referred to him as 'mate'.

Cheshire Police Press Officer Jenny Informant told reporters that another twist in the case was that, when the victim was first found, he had a single stab wound to the chest.

"On Saturday evening, however", said Miss Informant, "a department pathologist confirmed he also had multiple gunshot wounds all over his body."

The age and cause of death of the murdered/not murdered man are a major headache for the police, who seem unable to correctly ascertain even the most basic details of the case. So far, they haven't even been able to determine his name.

Miss Informant said:

"We think this man may not have had a name, and this might go some way to explaining why he was murdered."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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