Written by Hugh Plonnka
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Friday, 15 June 2007

image for Prisoners in £2.5m payout
Prison. A nice little earner?

London, Friday - You could be forgiven for thinking, reading the above headline, that a lottery syndicate (of prisoners) has scooped the midweek jackpot, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Prisoners in 94 jails in England and Wales have been handed compensation payouts totalling £2.5m in the last year alone.

Alfie Shiphouse, a prisoner in Wormwood Scrubs since 1968 is now sitting on a personal fortune of £823,001, all amassed in compensation payouts (and the interest thereon) received every year without fail.

"I did a couple of murders a few years back but in those days you didn't know about the dangers of prisons like you do now," said the criminal, now 57 years old.

"But back then, in the sixties, the majority of the people didn't know if you murdered someone - or a few people like - you'd end up being locked up for like 14 hours a day, lights out at 10pm, TV til 9pm, you know, that kind of stuff.

"We'd heard the word prison, but we didn't know it totally violated your human rights!"

Shiphouse was convicted of the murder of 7 men, all of whom had been stabbed over 150 times (by Shiphouse).

"If I'd known prison was like this, there's no way I'd have admitted to it, and I don't think there was enough evidence to put me away without my guilty plea."

Police stormed a warehouse owned by Shiphouse as he was in the process of killing the seventh man, and the other six were all found in a pond on Shiphouse's property.

"But saying that, when I finally get out of here I'll have near enough a million quid, so I should have a fairly decent retirement!"

When asked why he'd made (and subsequently won) a claim for over £85,000 - the highest single amount received by any prisoner in the previous 12 months - Dave "Seven Bells" Ovschitt told us "Oh, s**tloads of s**t. They put me on a top bunk, and I'm scared of heights. I once had a s**t down a toilet that hadn't been flushed. I, what else was it... oh yeah, I broke my hand when I put a guy who tried goin' up me s**tter into a coma, and got £42,000 for that."

Home Secretary Joan Reed was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said "Obviously we don't like to spend taxpayers' money in this way, but just because these people have committed, in the main, heinous crimes, it doesn't mean they should be locked up like caged hens."

Alistair Schaft from KPMG told us, off the record "many of these people will have larger retirement funds than the ordinary guy who works 40 hours a week for 45 years - they get their own cell, plenty of free time, and can pretty much get a handjob whenever they want one, so who are the fools?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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