Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 15 June 2007

image for Sir Michael Barrymore To Answer For Shady Past
Another award for Barrymore?

Michael Barrymore, the noted homosexual, was arrested by police yesterday as his shady past caught up with him.

Barrymore, 55, is now in the custody of Essex Police who are questioning him on a number of issues, most notably his involvement with the TV shows Strike It Lucky and My Kind Of Music. It was on Strike It Lucky that he first dreamt up the ridiculous catchprase "Awight!" (alright!), and this is thought to be central to the police investigation.

Barrymore, who figured in last year's Celebrity Big Brother, cried uncontrollably on the show, and told fellow housemates, including George Galloway and Nightmare In Wax's Pete Burns, all about his sad life thus far. Millions of TV viewers at home reeled from this onslaught of self-pitious drivel, and the would-be comedian was nominated for eviction on numerous occasions.

He 'came out' as gay in 1995 and, two years later in 1997, split with his wife Cheryl. She later went on to publish a book, What A Dipstick, in which she wrote extensively about his alcohol and drug addiction, and the way his penis was always brown.

On March 31 2001, Stuart Lubbock, who enjoyed 'inspecting meat', was killed at Barrymore's estate, whilst swimming naked in his swimming pool. He had been "violated in the rear" according to police reports. The investigation into Barrymore's involvement in Mr Lubbock's death is ongoing, but the star is expected to be cleared of any wrongdoing, especially if the decision is sought by Public Vote.

Sgt Strapon, of Essex Police, said:

"Mr Barrymore made some very poor TV shows which we are looking into, and we are expecting to award something to the oaf soon."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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