A UFO piloted by etc has crashed into the Big Brother house. The news agency Reuters reported that a "huge, metallic object - roughly the size of Siberia - was seen flying over London this morning.
Telephones lines were jammed, as frantic Londoners choked on their jellied eels and stopped rolling out barrels for fear of invasion from outer space.
Mr Ken Livingstone, mayor of London and head of the KGB said: "The object seemed to know where the house was. It passed over Albert Square, took photographs of several Eastenders being horribly mutilated at a birthday party for Dot Cotton, then performed an amazing U-turn and sped towards the house. It was incredible"
Tommy Trinder, who was leading a Cockney singalong outside the Old Bull And Bush at the time, said: "You lucky people and all that rubbish - I don't know, when the Kray Twins were around, at least you could leave your grandmother in the garden without her being assassinated for drugs".
The head of the Metropolitan Police, Admiral Tommy Steele, added the remark: "Lawks m'lawdy!!! It's a fair cop, guv! Half a sixpence and a tanner o' whelks!!!"
The inhabitants of the Big Brother house were being filmed asleep at the time for CHEAP!!! Television Ltd, and would only comment: "We must assume the object was real, since it possessed all of the qualities of 'being'. That is, its qualia were empirically manifest in its objective state. To 'be' and 'not be' at the same time is patently absurd, unless one considers the implications of certain paradoxical facets of quantum theory". Tommy Trinder endorsed this view, then farted.
Several UFOs were seen over the skies of London in 1952, but were found to be made of goatskin. The hoaxers were never found. It was me.