Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Kate Middleton

Thursday, 14 June 2007

image for Royal Ascot confirms Kate Middleton blacklisted
Middleton is suspected of attempting to gatecrash

Berkshire - (Ass Mess): Security sources at Royal Ascot racecourse have admitted today that Kate Middleton and a raft of other persona non grata individuals will not gain admittance to the prestigeous five day event scheduled to start on Tuesday 19th.

Security barcoding, iris-recognition scanners and other surveillance equipment are to be on the lookout for any attempts to gain access in what promises to be a high security occasion replete with organised crime cartel mobsters re-invented as bona fide racegoers.

Middleton originally stipulated she wanted multiple tickets to all five days of the society highlight as part of her official severance contract after dumping Pretender to the Throne's heir apparent William.

Also included in the package were tickets to the Royal Box at Wimbledon which too have been withdrawn after the tennis arena decided to go the whole hog and demolish the entire Royal Enclosure just in case Middleton sneaked in and tried claiming her priviledged seats.

Tickets for Henley Regatta - yet another society event that the Puppet Monarchy has fawned over for decades - have also been cancelled amid official threats to completely re-route the River Thames in case Middleton somehow manages to blag her way in despite the cancellation of her pass.

And this Saturday's Queen's Official Birthday shenanigans in London are also off limits to the 25 year old ex-girlfriend who told friends last month that she was supposed to get 'first bite of the cherry' of any hunky horseriding Guardsmen parading around in the sunshine.

"If she tries to gatecrash on Tuesday we may have to section her," a racecourse source said today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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