John Reid, New Labour's Thug-in-chief, has outlined plans to invite the nation's taxi drivers into the policy-making progress. This comes after the success of the "chemical castration" proposal for paedophiles, suggested by cabbie, Len Trubshaw.
Trubshaw had originally suggested that convicted sex offenders, or "ponces", be given drugs which made their testicles drop off and be replaced by six ton weights which would "drag the filthy scumbags down into hell where they belong." The home office modified these schemes, on moral, but mostly financial grounds to a point where paedophiles would be offered drugs to curb their libido.
Other measures being considered by the government include bringing back national service, especially for "hoodies, fat kids and gaylords"; abolishing congestion tax for all vehicles except Smart cars (whose drivers "deserve everything they get"); and, a policy which has long been favoured by many in Reid's department, to "send 'em all back where they came from."
Insiders report that the only reason the latter proposal has not yet become firm policy is the sticking point of working out exactly who "'em" are; although the cabinet is thought to be united in agreeing that Mohammed Al Fayed is definitely one of 'em.
Today's announcements about new directions in the handling of paedophilia also includes measures to tackle the worrying problem that 90% of child abuse takes place in a family setting. Plans are afoot to ban families from 2012 and have children brought up entirely via internet instead.
A cabbie was quoted as saying: "I had that John Reid in the back of my cab, you know. What a c...... "