Army officials have revealed that, in a last-ditch attempt to fulfil Prince Harry's expectations of serving in a war zone, they are considering shooting at him and even "blowing him up a bit."
Details of where and when the rough stuff will happen are unlikely to be released to the media, but a car park in Maidstone and an underpass just near Brick Lake have both been mentioned as possible venues.
The 22-year-old prince was due to deploy to southern Iraq this month; however officials eventually decided that Harry would prove "a target for insurgents". These same officials also made off-the-record comments about rumours of "a catholic faction high up in the Vatican" and the toilet habits of certain wood-dwelling creatures.
Head of running-about-with-guns, Sir Robbo Nutter, said that he hoped shooting at Prince Harry with a big gun would give him a new perspective on active service. "I think the Prince's attitude is very commendable" said Sir Robbo. "It's every British lad's dream to travel the world and be shot at by different cultures, and no-one should view young Harry's enthusiasm to put himself in the firing line as merely the whim of a spoilt rich kid. I'm sure once he's spent a few hours scrabbling around in shit and filth, being pelted with bullets, he'll feel he's really grown as a person. Even if he may, in reality, have shrunk by several limbs."
In recent weeks Harry has been distracted from his suicidal career tendencies by other issues, such as the screening of a controversial documentary about his mother by Channel Four. The programme, directed by Tobe Hooper, previously better known for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films, was transmitted against the wishes of Princes William and Harry, who found images of their mother's dying moments extremely distressing to watch.
Channel Four executives defended the content of The People's Princess: Look, you can see her head falling off in this one!! as "an invaluable new way of clawing back ratings without paying someone to say 'nigger'..... erm, I mean... a really vital new slant on, you know, blah, blah, blah."
The Queen had no comment to make, as she was busy filming a prequel to Prime Suspect.