Written by Hugh Plonnka
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Topics: Food, Britain

Friday, 8 June 2007

image for Britons think bacon comes from humans
"Who would want to eat a smelly pig?" Asked one interviewee

It emerged on Friday that over 53% of Britons (53.01% to be exact) believe that the contents of their morning fry-up, except the fried bread, come from recently deceased human beings.

Research by Linking Environment And Farming (LEAF), published Friday, stated that the majority of humans who eat traditional fry-ups (believed to be 12.762343523 million people in the UK) think:

  • bacon is derived from human buttocks
  • smoked bacon is derived from humans who smoke cigarettes, cigars or pipes, but NOT cannabis
  • liver and kidney are human body parts
    * fried eggs are produced monthly by women
  • sausages are fat penises
  • frankfurters are long penises
  • wee willie winkies (popular in Scotland) are small penises
  • black pudding is burnt human faeces
  • meatballs are human testicles

It has emerged from the report that people believe that the organ donor card gives butchers the right to view your corpse (once dead) in the funeral parlour, and then after your funeral, rather than being cremated or buried, your body is sent to "human market" and bid on by butchers.

Dr Martin Cornwell, author of the report, was quoted as saying "Obviously this country's full of thickos. More than 50% of British people believe they are cannibals, which is totally absurd, and illegal. They deserve locking up, or, better still, killing and turning into dog food."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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