Today in a run-down Glasgow suburb, a never-seen-before species of ned was discovered.
The police were performing a routine search of the area after a chip shop mysteriously burst into flames earlier this morning. Thankfully, the shop wasn't open. But, as the police were searching through a bin, they found a tramp.
But it was no ordinary tramp.
This tramp had a cap on in a neddish way and was dressed from head to toe in Burberry rags, brought out last year to encourage tramps to become neds.
When the tramp woke up, the police officers had to seek safety in their car when the man brought out bottes of buckfast, and started launching them at the officers. Then, one of the many yob gangs came round and attacked the bin, and the tramp got out just in time to look round and see the bin and his belongings turn to dust as the bin blew up.
It seems that the neds have found a new weapon in the long battle for the streets, against goths and nerds.