In response to the efforts of 100,000 women in the "Race For Life" cancer research campaign, angry pro-cancer support group "Cancerama" have announced plans for a special retaliatory event named "Clap For Cancer!"
Scheduled to be held at Knebworth House (capacity 250,000), the event will span three days and feature a stage featuring special cancer-related dances, as well as a cancer-off, where competitors will compete to see who has the most cancer. This will be preceded by a special cancer theatre, where members of the audience will be invited to act as a piece of cancerous tissue inside a giant construction of a testicle, with the most entertaining person being given a grand prize of eighteen thousand cigarettes and a car exhaust pipe. A special musical- "Ha! I Got Cancer Baby!" is also scheduled to debut.
Organiser Shipton Leigh declared it was "about time" that England viewed cancer in a more positive light. "I don't understand why we get so sad about it" he said. "Race for Life? Bulltits. Clap For Cancer I say. That'll give us all something to clap about. There isn't enough clapping in this country."
Leigh then discussed the Cancer-Bashing tent, which will feature several chemotherapy machines strung up in nooses. Ticket-goers will then be allowed to destroy them with baseball bats and special Cancer-Bashing omelettes, which they can throw at the machines "to clog them up". The pinnacle of the event will be a special world-record breaking attempt at applauding cancer for approximately seven hours, fourteen minutes and eight seconds. After this, everyone will be required to whisper "Cancer!" before, in a roaring crescendo, screaming it as loud as possible.
Responding to criticism that the event was in horrendous taste and that he had never known the devastation of cancer, Leigh replied that he had also never known the tender caress of a gentle sea breeze, "but I don't berate those just because I've never experienced one."