New Scotland Yard, SW1 - (Ass Mess): "It's a tough job and we pity the poor CIA bastards that have to do it," said UK top cop Sir Ian Blair today at a London conference dedicated to the monitoring of internet sarcasm, parody, kitch, satire and general tomfoolery.
"Ever since that George Bush reinvented White House presidential elections in 2000 the blogosphere has been inundated with savage criticism.
"Frankly, we don't give a toss in the UK about what Joe Public thinks of politicians unless it's criminal-oriented.
"As far as we are concerned they can call Bush and all our own home-grown politicians every name in the book and claim freedom of speech, first amendment, human rights and all that jazz.
"But when the US passed the Homeland Insecurity Act and virtually ordered the UK to infiltrate perfectly harmless parody sites that regularly lampoon assinine American interpretations of Democracy, it was one surreal act of congenital stupidity too far, and we rightly refused to get involved in hounding anybody.
"You could say we arrived at a kind of stand-off with our US counterparts over the compulsory monitoring of sites like 'GOP Asshole' and 'Bush Family Evil Empire Tosser' etc. You know the sort I mean.
"And then something extremely weird happened.
"A piece of fabled Mossad-sourced counter-intelligence surfaced in Alaska of all places and was reborn as the Corrupt Bastards Club.
"Can ya believe it? A bunch of totally corrupt, assinine, bastard, arsehole felons invented themselves around this name and began touting it in the big oil business and the Alaskan state legislature like some turf-war scalp they won at a rodeao or something.
"So the FBI began keeping an eye on them until the evidence mounting up against them was becoming a tad too uncomfortable for NATO Military Intelligence Council.
"A couple of initial busts, raids and dawn swoops yielded a number of juicy possibilities.
"And then this year one of their top arseholes, Bruce Weyhrauch, fell of his daftass boat in the waters off Juneau and set off a chain reaction the likes of which we in the Met have never seen before. Nor our law enforcement counterparts in the United States.
What's all this to do with satire and parody I hear you ask?
"Well, of all the global campaigns ever to draw attention to the insidious canker of corruption a satirical approach was the very last thing we expected.
"Soon after Weyhrauch's paddle with the fishes, the FBI arrested him and other state legislators nefore charging big oil corruption cover-up specialists VECO executives and assorted related minions.
"We thought the headlines were significant at the time, but we never expected a goddam circus of parody, satire and general ridicule lampooning the idiocy of these indicted felons, some of whom have entered plea bargainst and grassed up their accomplices, and some of whom have yet to join in the arrangement to save their own asses.
"Then last week I get a phone call from the US Justice Department, somebody called Alberto Gonzales I think.
"Sir Ian, he says. What is happening to your legendary policing capabilities in the United Kingdom?
"The Administration of President George W Bush has been inundated with every kind of insulting parody imaginable since the FBI's recent activity in Juneau, Alaska.
"And it's all coming from a UK-sourced internet site that never stops lampooning the Corrupt Bastards Club and implying that in some way it is masterminded from the White House!"
"Well, I said. Well, Mr Gonzales. Freedom of speech is a very fundamental right, even in these Whore on Terra days of suspicion and intrigue.
"I've read a few of the items you have pointed out and I'm sorry to tell you but I tend to agree 100% with most of the spoof items that satirise your country's involvement with corruption, bribery, willful graft and everything that goes with it.
"We rather like the fact that every new assinine act of criminal corruption that turns up on a daily basis seems to get daubed with the Corrupt Bastards Club petard.
"And quite frankly, the CIA team that's paid to trawl through internet satirical sites every day to see who's criticising your precious President has one helluva easy job!
"Maybe one day they'll turn their own talents to writing a personal spoof story on the blogosphere instead of just ditifully reading the daily entries to search for suspicious signs of criminality.
"May the Force be with You!"