HELENSBURGH (Cheuchters) - Violence flared Thursday at Wooftops Kennels, Rhu, as around 50 dogs took to rioting. Trouble started with a dirty protest led by two dogs currently on remand for perverting the course of justice. "The kennels of two dogs were stinking of urine and smeared with excrement," explained Wooftops Warden Mr Jack Russell. "But that's something we see on a daily basis, so we just ignored it."
The protest later developed into a hunger strike which lasted five minutes before one dog, Maximus "Max" Oridiotis, chewed through his padlock, broke free from his kennel and terrified kitchen workers as he ate his way through an estimated two tons of Morrisons own-brand Dog Biscuits (Special Offer! Two-for-the-price-of-one!) and Prime Meaty Chunks (Only 75p per can!) before attacking a dachshund who is now critically ill in Animal Hospital. As distressed employees fled from the scene, Max, a known burglar, used his padlock-chewing skills to release the hounds, who then fled to the roof of the building dragging Warden Russell with them as a hostage.
In scenes reminiscent of Strangeways rioting, dogs attacked police with roof slates, empty cans and waved banners proclaiming their innocence. Max has not been seen on the roof and Strathclyde Police believe he may have escaped with another inmate, Warrior. Chief Inspector Lisa Laine urged residents to be on their guard and stated that the dogs should not be approached, particularly by anyone carrying dachshunds.
This article was sponsored by Morrisons.