New born babies are no longer born with silver spoons in their mouths, but from today may well be born in a janitors bucket in a hospital corridor.
Due to a national shortage of midwives its "all hands to the pump" the Royal College of Nursing announced today. Epidurals will become a thing of the past as you claw at the arm of a passing nurse in an attempt to get some kind of help during delivery.
Auxiliary nurses, janitors, porters and toilet attendants will all be qualified to assist deliveries from today.
We spoke to hospital porter, Albert Smith, aged 57, this morning sneaking a crafty fag between deliveries,"Our cats had kittens when I was a nipper",he revealed," so it's not like I didn't know what to do, after the first baby came out, that was a little boy by the way, I waited for the other seven, but sadly they never came, still she had one live one to be thankful for."
As we waited to interview a senior matron at the hospital we saw several live births, including one lady who had paid her vet to attend. "I had to do something," she gasped after giving birth to a healthy baby girl.
Her vet commented, "It was a nice easy birth with no complications once I had got both hands in and started pulling, she came out very easily."