Close on the heels of the will-he, won't-he go to Iraq debacle comes an astonishing revelation from Prince Harry's closest friend, Everett Houghtonfeathers-Slobbersleigh, (pronounced Howley).
"Harry was crapping his pants at the thought of going to Iraq," he said. "He pretended he wanted to go simply because he knew they'd never let him. For a while back there, when it seemed they were actually going to send him, he damn near had a heart attack."
The royal family might have been mortified by Houghtonfeathers-Slobbersleigh's revelation had it not been for the recently discovered incontrovertible evidence that Charles is not Harry's father. This of course means that the nearest Harry ever came to blue blood was the shiner the Queen gave him for "daring to pretend to be my grandson for all these years, you obnoxious little bastard."
As a result of the mounting scandal and embarrassment, Harry is to be auctioned on eBay in what is expected to be a 30-minute listing with a starting price of 10p and no reserve. Some palace officials believe the starting price is too high for an item that's known to be a fake, but the Queen is believed to have set it at that level to avoid time-wasters.
The royal family are no strangers to eBay. The queen mother, under her affectionate nickname of Old-Stumpy, regularly bid for crates of cut-price imported gin, and the Queen is well known for her purchases of wigs and incontinence pads. Charles's most recent purchase was a book entitled "Learn to speak Vegetable in 18 easy lessons".
However, this is the first time they've offered anything for sale and if the outcome is successful, more members of the royal family could find themselves up for auction, most notably Camilla, generally reckoned to be the most useless sponger of them all.