Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 21 May 2007

image for Teletubbies Now Declared 'Persons of Interest'
Teletubbies in trouble and on the run?

Lynchburg, Virgina - Following allegations that the Teletubbies may have been involved in a plot to kill Rev. Jerry Falwell, police believe they have discovered the car the Teletubbies were seen driving around Lynchburg, Virginia, on the day of Rev. Falwell's death.

The vehicle was found abandoned under a bridge six miles East from where it was last seen in the multi-level parking structure adjacent to Falwell's office building.

Police also find what appears to be a single set of scooter wheel tracks at the scene of the discarded automobile.

While approaching the derelict, police proceeded with extreme caution as an odor of a known arson accelerant was detected in the air emanating from the empty vehicle.

"You can never be too safe in approaching these matters," said Lieutenant Paul La Rue of the Police Department just before he called the bomb squad.

Members of the elite bomb squad dressed in thick heavily padded body armor, helmets on heads and blast shields in hand slowly inched their way forward.

"They have to approach it like that," said Lieutenant La Rue. "Normally, we'd just walk right up to the car but the smell of arson accelerant in the air and all four doors swung wide open like that as if the previous occupants had to leave in such a rush they did not have time to close them, well you just can't be to sure."

As members of the bomb squad got closer, they could faintly hear the eerie music track of Moby's South Side playing over and over again on the cars stereo system.

"I know the song. I've head it before," later said Captain Jim Polwalski of the bomb squad. "It's kind of strange knowing that Teletubbies could be into Techno music like that."

Capt. Polwalski complained he had trouble staying focused on the moment because he just could not get the image of Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po driving down the pristine tree lined streets of Virginia listening to the haunting lyrics of Moby's South Side song, while allegedly stalking Falwell.

"To think those cute cuddly colorful creatures had anything to do with Falwell and hooking up an ID [incinerator device] in their abandoned car is unthinkable," continued Capt. Polwalski nearly in tears. "It's just too much. It's all too much. My kids watch the Teletubbies every morning and my wife is into Moby. What am I supposed tell them?"

Police rendered the incinerator device inert without further incident, impounded the car and took the Moby CD to the lab to be dusted for finger prints but none are expected to be found as the car looked like it had been meticulously vacuumed cleaned.

Police found the CD player set for continues playback stuck on one track on Moby's Play CD in particular, South Side. "It was deliberately set for continuous play, so the psych department will taking a closer look at that," said police.

Police point out that often music is played in the car during the commission of a crime. It gives the perpetrator a psychological boast and police a rare look into the criminal mind.

"We can't officially call the Teletubbies suspects in this ongoing investigation, yet. Only because officially, according to the coroner's office, no crime has been committed," said Lieutenant La Rue, "But with mounting evidence like this [gesturing to the incinerator device and Moby's Play CD] we're expecting that to change any day; but for now, we're calling them persons of interest."

Police followed the single set of scooter wheel tracks leading away from the car for a mile, or so, until the tracks ended in a strange foggy misty before opening up into a green hilly meadow beyond.

Stay tuned for further updates.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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