Written by Seriously
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Wednesday, 28 January 2004

Andrew Gilligan, tricking security by sporting a wig and Saddam-style moustache, sensationally stormed Westminster today, grabbed the Speaker's mace and, whilst swinging it around wildly, made the startling claim that Lord Hutton's Inquiry had been "Campbelled."

For a terrifying 45 minutes, Gilligan ran amok frothing at the mouth and screaming barely decipherable statements such as: "It's a pack of lies - not what I said - what the report says I said. Campbell got to it first!!!". He was eventually restrained by Sports Minister, Kate Hoey, who leapt from the gallery and floored him with a single Thai-boxing kick to his left eye.

Cleary shocked and slightly losing control of the situation, Mr Blair, still the Prime Minister, directed a steely grin at Gilligan and hissed: "See, you four-eyed spam-head flabby fibber, I told you we'd get you in the end!" At this, Defence Secretary Hoon, who could no longer contain his delight at being slightly rapped across the knuckles in the Report's findings, slipped off his Hush Puppies and began beating Gilligan about the head with them causing mass bruising.

Asked to comment on this extraordinary course of events, Greg Dyke, departing director general of the BBC said: "It's Saddam shame we didn't double-check our facts. Our new policy is to verify all single-source allegations with the editorial board of The Spoof, known for its impeccable objectivity and reputation for pursuing the spoof, the whole spoof and nothing but the spoof. Andy's actions clearly amounted to a weapon of media distortion during the conflict with our military friends in Iraq."

Alastair Campbell could not be found to comment on the matter but close friends say that he was last seen at a Charing Cross hotel having lunch with Sun editor Rebecca Wade.

Gilligan was last seen being bound and gagged by government security officials: "nod fir de first tom" he muffled before taken away to an unknown place for a good duffing up.


Following this serious lapse in security, Downing Street officials have informed The Spoof that a bullet-proof screen will be fitted to protect MPs from such lunatic acts in the future.

UPDATE 20th May 2004

Downing Street officials have informed The Spoof that the bullet-proof screen fitted to protect MPs from such lunatic acts in the future failed to stop a nutter man throwing purple powder at Tony Blair.

UPDATE 15th September 2004

Pro-hunt protesters go barking mad and storm House of Commons. MPs and the PM were caught on the hop as they continued to rabbit on about nothing in particular. Yet another terrible security lapse fox-trots hot on the tail of Lord Brocket, who, dressed at Batman, made a one man plea on the Queen's balcony for the keys to Brocket Hall to be returned back to him. A spokesman said, if he hadn't tried robin his insurance company he wouldn't be in such a mess!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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