The Government is to announce plans to close down rural Britain, and to develop super eco-cities, each populated by upwards of 5 million people. The idea was that of new Labour leader Gordon Whatsisname.
Recent hospital, school and post office closures are the "thin end of the wedge", according to Tory ministers, who say that more of the same will follow.
Mr Whatsisname has already spoken of super eco-friendly cities, and wants to build ten of them before 2015. Each city would have a number of Superhospitals, Superschools and Superpostoffices, as well as other superthings such as Supersupermarkets and so on. He has named this crazy notion, Supercommunisation. The countryside would then be effectively "fenced off".
In a plan similar to the congestion charge scheme, prospective visitors to rural areas would then be charged a fee, in return for enjoying a day out far from the madding crowds.
Arnold Hillwalker, of the Ramblers Association, said:
"It's a jolly disgrace. The countryside belongs to all of us freaky open-air types, not just to Mr Whatsisname and his cronies."
Mr Whatsisname was unavailable for comment yesterday, as he was at the new Royal St Gordon Hospital in London to see a consultant about the way he repeatedly lets his jaw drop open in an unsightly and slovenly gape. A Labour Party spokesman said:
"Dissenters will be dealt with. A special genocide squad will roam the green belts 'cleaning up' any troublemakers."