HELENSBURGH, Scotland - On the eve of Faslane Peace Camp's 25th birthday, Commodore Roger Andout of Faslane Nuclear Submarine Base released a press bulletin stating the peace camp's quarter-century presence was based on a misunderstanding arising from a combination of typos and negative attitudes.
Andout explained, "For example, in Scottish CND's publication 'Fortress Europe', Faslane and Coulport are described as "the largest nuclear arsenal in Europe". This is quite wrong. Faslane and Coulport are "the largest Arsenal supporters in Europe" and CND must take responsibility for misleading the public in this regard."
Andout also objected to CND's and Trident Ploughshares' use of "negative and alarming" language such as "nuclear reactors", "192 independently-targetted 100-kiloton warheads", "fully-armed sea-patrols 365-days-of-the-year" and "illegal under international law" in describing the UK's ballistic missile fleet, although he admitted the base itself had a public-relations responsibility to encourage a lighter, more positive attitude. "I am discussing proposals with senior MoD and government officials to have the base reclassified as a theme park specialising in water activities. A submatheme park, you might say," said Andout.
Plans being discussed involve: watersports displays; painting the submarines yellow; renaming the subs from "Vanguard, Vigilant, Vengeance and Victorious" to "Peace, Love, Harmony and Goodwill"; offering tourists educational submarine trips on the Gareloch and Loch Long, plus Faraway tours to the newly-popular Middle-East; musical evening entertainment provided by returning sea-crews such as "On the Town"; a rodeo-style nuclear-missile ride; and souvenir dosimeters so residents and visitors can measure the radiation they're absorbing.
No-one was available from the Peace Camp to comment on the proposals, although the repeated sound of "cuckoo" was audible from the vans.