London - (Rotters): Whitehall mandarins have confirmed today that there are no plans on giving Old Fatty Mountbatten a state funeral despite years of grovelling by successive UK Prime Monsters who have promised heaven and earth just to get away with flogging off Life Peerages to make up their numbers in the Lords.
A simple in and out at Slough Crem is all that can be expected when the day arrives.
The ashes will then either be returned to their lawful next of kin - ie George Herbert Bush, c/o the President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) in Langley, Virginia, or for a small consideration blasted into space to join those of Star Trek's 'Scotty' in accordance with current fashion.
Further plans include the compulsory exhumation of the actress who successfully portrayed the ID and persona of the Queen Mother for over sixty years.
Those remains will then be put through a Royal Parks compost shredder and scattered on Hyde Park's Rotten Row to decompose along with the daily supplies of horse manure from the nearby riding stables.
Alternatively they could be sent back to her firstborn son c/o the same name and address in Langley, Virginia who will then decide if they should lie once again in the Vatican vaults with the remains of the man who spawned him, Pope Pius XII.
Princess Diana as she was commonly known will also be dug up from her tacky Althorp island grave and returned to Marcia Williams, Lady Falkender who, as her birth mother, will have the pleasure of deciding of how to dispose of the remains.
Again an alternative arrangement is to return the remains to her blood father George Herbert Bush in a Royal (sic) Mail jiffy bag, omitting to put a postage stamp on the packet to ensure a really fragrant eventual delivery.
And the fetid Hyde Park water feature installed in honor of the witless Di will is to be bulldozed before being planted over with poison ivy, helmlock, mandrake and chickweed.
Lord Levy is 69.