The latest politically correct act of the custodians of our nanny state is going to be to introduce legislation banning smoking during sexual intercourse.
Junior Health Minister Ms. Fanny Nanny said that the Government is concerned about the health risks to both partners. "We commissioned a secret study into sex-related injuries, by men with ladders and binoculars. The result is frightening. 20% of adults who have engaged in sex while one partner was smoking have been injured."
The daft biddy added "It is not just dropping ash burning sensitive parts of the body. Some partners, particularly from East Anglia, forget to take their cigarettes out of their mouth when kissing each other, which probably explains why so many people in Norfolk have ruddy complexions."
She horrifyingly continued "We've had reports of people engaged in more erotic acts of lovemaking burning their partners' bottoms or genitalia. We have no idea how that happened but we want to put a stop to it."
People who smoke while making love will risk a £1,000 fine or up to 3 months in jail.
In recognition of the fact that human hair can act as kindling, there will be a specific exception for slapheads, who will be allowed to puff and pull at the same time with other slapheads.
We tried to interview the Secretary of State for Health, but he was too busy banning something else.
The Campaign for the Right to Atmospheric Pollution (CRAP) said "This is just another senseless attack on smokers. What have smokers ever done to hurt anyone?" We started to answer the question but the spokesman ran off.
David Cameron immediately condemned the new law but refused to say whether a Conservative Government would repeal it. When asked whether he had ever smoked while having sex, he said "I refuse to answer personal questions that have no relevance to my ability to do my job as leader of the Opposition". When asked what his party's policies were, he repeated the same answer.