Written by Rodd Justice
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Monday, 26 January 2004

image for Hutton Report - "Tony Blair Has WMDs in 45mins"
All Hail!

The shock findings of the Hutton Report, to be revealed on Wednesday, are that Tony Blair's regime has a secret stock of weapons of mass destruction.

 

The leaked Report also states that the Prime Minister used these weapons against the minority Leftwing peoples of the north of England in the mid-90s.


Tyrannical Regime

Hutton also alleges that Tony Blair has installed a tyrannical regime full of his cronies and family members.  His son Euan has taken over personal control of a ‘SWAT' team of drunken teenagers that terrorise London's West End, and the family dog ‘Sickmauler' has been running the NHS for three years.

 

Despite the mess he's made at running the country, with its ancient, crumbling infrastructure and failing public services, Blair clings to power using undemocratic tactics.  The evil Prime Minister won an election recently - although observers say "the 1997 election was a sham because there was effectively no opposition."

 

Propaganda has been used, led by the Intelligence Minister Alistair Campbell.  Statements such as ‘Things can only get better', ‘Education, Education, Education' and ‘we will assassinate Edwina Currie and John Mellor within 45 minutes of coming to power' have not been followed-up with real policy actions.


But it is Tony Blair's use of horrific weapons of mass destruction that have caused the most outrage.


WMDs

A lethal chemical agent known as ‘MMR' was given to all first born males in the Holy City of Huddersfield as punishment for an egg-armed assassination attempt on his right-hand man John Prescott.

 

A WMD called the ‘death train' has been used on many occasions, where Blair forces disgruntled commuters into packed carriages, which then career off the rails in flames into flocks of sheep and mini-vans.  The 16:27 from King's Cross is now more like the 6:66 Satan's Death Rocket to Hell via Telford.

 

And the despicable assault on the Leftwing people of the north, who were infected with foot and mouth, led to shocking scenes being broadcast around the world, including the burning of bodies in mass graves.  Their numbers are now dwindling.


International Reaction

To date, the international community has been largely non-plused about the situation.

 

Jack Straw, who has the appearance of someone you think would be one of the most evil men in history, has played the international stage on behalf of the regime as Foreign Minister.  However, his rambling speeches at the UN spouting Blairist rhetoric have justified his nickname, ‘the poor man's Tariq Aziz'.

 

However, President Bush is now planning a huge assault on the UK, but is struggling to win over the French at the United Nations.  Sources close to the President say he is "confused, sleepy and irritable, and therefore could start air strikes any minute".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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