Scooch, the British entry into this-years Eurovision Song Contest flew back into Heathrow yesterday evening to scenes of hysteria. People cheered "You're crap!" and "Tossers!"
10 million viewers tuned in to watch Scooch embarrass the entire nation. Their third rate pop song was so sickly and banal even a soap star trying to break onto the pop scene, wouldn't touch it.
Insults poured in from all over the showbiz world. Bob Geldof unleashed a tirade of expletives. Pete Doherty came out of rehab to stick two fingers up, while Bob Dillan mumbled something incomprehensible but appeared to be very unhappy. Even the saintly Cliff Richard said "I've never heard such shite in all my life"
The incoming Prime Minister Gordon Brown had this to say "This is quite possibly one of Britain's darkest hours. It's not that we lost. We expect to loose - after all - we are British." He added, unable to hide his disappointment "It's just that Scooch were so utterly dreadful. Is this the best we can do? I ask you WHY? -WHY? - WHY?"
So yet again a land that once produced the supreme talents of Lennon and McCartney, David Bowie, Peter Townsend and Gilbert O'Sullivan are completely inconsolable and mortified.
The competition was eventually won by a Serbian lesbian who used to be a man.