Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 12 May 2007

image for Body Parts Vendors Get Jail
This old hag makes a wonderful stew, you know...

Six people appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday charged with unlawfully selling, or trying to sell, integral and 'essential' human body parts. Kidneys, lungs, arms and a testicle were all sold, sometimes for as little as £15, and, in some cases, for even less during the January Sales.

Christopher Goulash, of West London, sold one of his kidneys and his liver for £120 to an Indian woman who was making a stew for a wedding party last December.

His accomplice, Arnold Lepper, also of London, offloaded a lung and one of his testicles to an Arab sheik, and his right leg to a Harley Street clinic, in order to raise money to send his son to university. As a result, he was given a 2-year suspended jail term, and an 18-month ban on selling any other parts of his anatomy.

In the worst case of its kind, police arrested Archie Forster for attempting to sell his head on eBay. A detective posed as a buyer, and when the two met to conclude the deal in a Glasgow car park, undercover officers pounced and managed to place Forster in custody with his bonce still attached and intact.

Three others, a man and two women, were sentenced to a total of 16 years, for supplying arms, eyes, kneecaps and breasts to people who didn't already have them. Davis Mellor, of Kensington, a well-known arms dealer, got a slap on the wrist.

Lung, leg and testicle vendor Lepper, a car mechanic, was defiant as he was led away to begin his sentence, and shouted to reporters outside the court:

"My body and its various parts are mine to do with as I see fit. I am currently taking offers on my arse."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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