A leaked copy of the Hutton Inquiry Finds British Prime Minister Tony Blair "guilty", of everything from World War One to global warming.
In the most damning investigation into British politics ever. The report reveals that Blair, through close personnel media contacts; arranged the assignation of Archduke Ferdinand, prepared a dossier on Jewish activities which was the basis for their Genocide in Nazi Germany, directed soviet operations, and, US operations during the cold war, personally hooked Saddam up with weapons industry pals, advised Clinton of preferable office recreational activities, persuaded both Bush's that war on Iraq was essential, and due to a excessive consumption of junk food, is singularly responsible for Global warming.
In addition, the report cites Blair's involvement in the JFK assignation, "although first hand evidence is not available Blair almost certainly put the bullet in the gun". Whilst inconclusive evidence contained within the report, links Blair to Simon Cowell's trousers, with Hartlepool MP Peter Mandleson acting as go between. Lastly the report concludes that if there's anything Blair wasn't involved in or responsible for, its only because "that little shit Campbell covered his bloody tracks"
Downing street staff have strenuously denied everything, including Lord Hutton's existence, in a blatant attempt to bury the report.
However Alistair "its only a matter of time before I'm Lord" Campbell confirmed "We did discuss the implications of these eventualities before my departure, and decided that if this information came to light we do as we always do, deny, deny, DENY, and then LIE. If that failed we'd get the Sun to pay a lady of the night to tell about her sordid sex acts with Lord Hutton."(watch this space)
Political experts have suggested Blair could in fact have sexed the report up "to make himself look hard" as one put it. Although they're all agreed that admitting any connection to Cowell's trousers "is very risky indeed". They are however agreed that there can be no doubt over the reports most damning claim, that Blair and his wife Cherie are responsible for "extensive planning to remove the monarchy, take Britain in to Europe and become president of the USE (United states of Europe)" one royal watcher said "its bloody obvious Cherie's republican, they're all ugly as hell that lot, and she's already acting like she's First Lady. Dodgy houses, bullying Ford to get a cheap car for Euan, sounds like right presidential behaviour to me."
Allegations that Blair is in fact Satan himself have been vehemently denied by the hordes of hell "Give us a break, I know were nasty but even we wouldn't create Him!" cried one little devil "that bastards beyond pure evil, he makes the boss look like an Angel."