Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Friday, 11 May 2007

image for New England Journal of Medicine finds Oral Sex worse than smoking or drinking - but better than not getting any
"What? No. It's completely harmless. Trust me."

New York, New York - The New England Journal of Medicine announced this week it made a correlation between the Human Papillomavirus (HPV), oral sex and throat-cancer. Research shows a higher potential for developing throat-cancer by engaging in oral sex with those carrying HPV than if smoking or drinking only, causing concern for the health of millions around the world practicing what is now regarded risky behavior.

Giving pause to sexually active couples everywhere, boyfriends are now concerned that the study gives their girlfriends yet another excuse not to perform oral sex on them. While girlfriends are even more concerned it will end what little foreplay they managed to coax out of their boyfriends in the first place.

"The study is bad news all around," said Bryan James, a STD specialist, "Considering that most sexual encounters, oral or otherwise, usually involve some level of drinking or smoking, often both, as a part of the overall experience."

People usually have a drink or two beforehand to loosen up their inhibitions, or while they are out partying, just before. And it is those very people that will be most effected, second perhaps only to those that have a smoke after sex, ironically.

Over shadowing the study is its anticipated economic impact on the alcohol and tobacco industry. Company shares are expected to plummet as the study filters through the media, but it is the small businessman who stands to lose the most such as the budding body piercing industry.

"Most defiantly, tongue piercing is way down," said 'Lap Dog,' of Tag and Release Body Studs and Tattoos, "I'm just hoping I can get by on lower back tattoos. But I doubt it, everybody has one of those now days."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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