Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 11 May 2007

image for Charles Bronson In £30,000 Damages Award
Bronson after the award

A notorious inmate at Full Sutton jail in East Yorkshire, has been awarded compensation amounting to thousands of pounds after a prison officer callously woke him from an afternoon nap.

Charles Bronson was having forty winks in his cell when he was "roused" from his slumbers by Officer Thomas Kindly, who was serving afternoon refreshments. Officer Kindly was alleged to have acted in a "threatening and abusive manner", when he asked Bronson:

"Excuse me, Charlie. Would you like some tea?"

Bronson, who was jailed for armed robbery in 1974, claimed that he hasn't had a good night's sleep since the attack, and now suffers from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, which causes him to eat other prisoners.

He was also involved in an incident at Hull prison in 1998, when he took Education Manager Phil Eastwood hostage, and walked him around on a leash "like a doggy". Demands for a helicopter, an inflatable sheep and a cup of tea were ignored by the prison authorities, and Bronson eventually released his captive after three days.

He gained notoriety in the 1970s in films such as Deathwish 1-5, The Mechanic, The Valachi Papers and Mr Majestyk before turning to a vastly more lucrative occupation, Crime.

"He was awarded £30,000, a thousand pounds for every wink of sleep he was deprived of" said Hank Pushover of the Prison Reform Trust.

Officer Kindly was baffled by the ruling and the subsequent award. A distinguished and much-decorated servant of the Crown, he was decorated for long service two years ago after more than 45 years of "turning keys".

Now disgraced and dismissed from his job, he signs on at the dole office every other Wednesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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