The recent heatwave and soaring global temperatures are just not enough for the elderly and infirm of Great Britain who today complained, "It's bitter out."
Mrs Hilda Brady, aged 103, of Little Ditchling on the Marsh, complained whilst huddled over her three bar fire in a pink fluffy housecoat and fleecy boots that she had never known such cold temperatures since her Stan died in the cold snap of 1948.
As she braved the icy winds of 93 degrees to venture to the corner shop to collect her daily bottle of milk stout, she was heard to declare, "If I slip on this ice and my hip goes, I'll not make it through this Winter."
In streets full of shorts and vest-top clad youths, the elderly of Great Britain can easily be spotted as they stagger through the scorching heat in overcoats, flat caps and boots complaining loudly about the damp on their chests.
It seems today's pensioners can be found huddled in groups round the nearest boiling kettle as they struggle to retain their body heat without the Winter Fuel allowance.