It would appear, according to Government Environmental Agency research, that climate change is almost wholly attributable to the flatulence of humankind. Eminent Environmental Agency Scientist, Miss F. Hart, has discovered that gases emitted by humans, following consumption of baked beans and beer, are highly potent and laden with deadly chemical compounds. Miss Hart is alarmed by the findings as beans and beer are recognised as staple foods for humans and, in particular, men.
In an interview with Sir Trevor McRonald, Miss Hart expressed her concern over this issue."It would appear that there is overwhelming evidence to support the findings of my research. The beans and beer issue has been proven as I have studied the ozone layer above Public Houses/Inns, and there is a significant increase in ozone damage above these establishments."
This new evidence has prompted the Prime Minister, Mr Tony Blair, to address the nation in a plea to halt this destruction. Mr Blair held an emergency press conference and asked that, "People should try very hard to keep their beans and beer consumption to a minimum and to suppress their urges to pass wind. We must all try harder to reduce environmental damage and to ensure that the ozone layer remains fit for purpose"
However, when asked by a Journalist, if he himself would be limiting his bean and beer intake, Mr Blair claimed that he would not need to take this action as his excrement does not stink.