Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 4 May 2007

image for Kate Moss Adulation Abounds
Left in the toilets by Miss Moss...

After the chaos in Oxford Street earlier this week when Kate Moss revealed her new clothing range in Top Shop, there was more blind panic in the same street today when she ducked into McDonalds to use the lavatory, and a snaking 3-mile queue formed behind her.

Miss Moss, her bladder swollen by an afternoon of cocktails in Soho, as well as some "interesting candies", dashed into the store at around 4.30pm to relieve herself in the Ladies. Immediately though, she was recognised and, as she bolted the door, a crowd was already gathering.

Within minutes, the store, and the street outside, filled with impressionable young women clamouring for her autograph and valuable 'pissing tips'. Miss Moss used her mobile to summon crackhead boyfriend Pete Doherty, himself an icon for dropouts, and when he arrived shortly after, things quickly descended into ugliness.

Punching and kicking his way to the bogs, Mr Doherty managed to cause serious injury to 14 assorted teenage girls, whilst breaking a nail on his left index finger, the one he usually raises to greet journalists.

Meanwhile, the situation outside worsened, and fifteen minutes after Miss Moss had first lowered her thong, Central London had become gridlocked, and the resultant knock-on effect could be felt as far afield as the M25 near Brentwood.

Police eventually restored order about 9am this morning. One of the officers at the scene, Police Constable Mo Ronnick, admitted it had been "an experience" to meet two such bad examples to young children as Moss and Doherty undoubtedly are, saying:

"Wotsname, Guv? Me daw-ter's got piccies of that Kate Moss all owver 'er waw. She's bleedin' larvley, int she?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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