Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 4 May 2007

image for Election Results: Politics Still Boring
Here, watch some paint dry

Record levels of voters turned out yesterday, as seats in the Scottish Parliament, the Welsh Assembly and most local authorities outside London were being hotly contested in what had been dubbed "Supershambolic Thursday".

Out of 39 million eligible voters, more than 27,000 made it to the polling stations, making it one of the biggest turnouts ever.

In England there were major gains for the UK Retard Party and the Political Indifference Party, at the expense of both Labour and the Conservatives. The newly-formed False Promises Party lost its deposit.

Birmingham South South East saw a landslide victory for the Postal Cheat Party who secured a massive 94.8% of the vote for winning candidate John Frord.

Elsewhere, there were huge swings to the Can't Be Bothered Party who captured an enormous 28 million voters nationwide, winning 97% of the available seats.

The biggest battle was in Dudley Central, where the Chavs initially lost control of their safe seat to the Spasmatic Delinquents, but during the early hours of this morning, amid much posturing and name-calling, they were able to wrest back power. The police say that conditions on the ground are still hostile, and they are monitoring events.

There was some voting in Scotland and Wales, but nobody troubled to count the votes cast, as no notice is taken of these two outdated lands.

PM Fony Blair said:

"It's all very interesting." *

* The public are warned that, due to Mr Blair's record of 'lying through his smiling teeth', they might well be advised to to discount everything this gushing little toerag says, and to treat the exact opposite as the truth.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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