After intense public and media pressure, the Government this morning caved-in, and has said that it will, after all, hold a Public Inquiry. Indeed, the Home Secretary John Reid, a dimwit, confirmed to reporters that there will be "not only one Inquiry, but several".
To open with, Mr Reid has sanctioned an Inquiry to try to establish "why it always rains on Bank Holidays". The Government has side-stepped this issue for many years, but now Lord Michael 'Hurricane' Fish will look into the causes as soon as it brightens up.
The second Inquiry on Mr Dimwit's list, will focus on "why you can never find anywhere to park" with a third to examine the reasons behind "The Leeds United Relegation Debacle", led by an old friend of the Tykes' chairman Ken Beast, the Very Bent Lord Toesucker himself, David Mellor.
The 'Doctors Crisis' will be addressed when an all-party commission will investigate why the Doctor's Tardis is bigger on the inside than the outside. BBC bosses are not satisfied with the current explanation, and Northerner Lord Eccleston has been appointed to "have a rummage around" to see what he can find out.
"For the moment", said Mr Dimwit, "issues such as 'Stornoway's remoteness' and 'infrequent bus services in the Ribble Valley' will have to wait, but you can take it from me, this year I'm very much 'up' for Public Inquiries!"
The Home Secretary also indicated that an Inquiry into the alleged failings of MI5 over the 7/7 bombings has been pencilled-in for 2008. This, however, will only take place after the Security Services have managed to bury or destroy any evidence of their incompetence that might be potentially embarrassing for the Government.
"We have to be careful with our Inquiries", said Mr Dimwit, adding, "we don't want to show anyone in a bad light."